Divorce

Divorced Parents – Finding Your True Friends

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images8VMPSIZ8I find this topic to be one of the hardest to write about for many reasons. But probably the biggest reason is that it affects so many people who go through a divorce and most of the time for all of the wrong reasons. I will explain what I mean a little later. So what do I mean by true friends? Most people have several groups friends. First you have your work friends. These are people that you like and hang out with at work and maybe go to happy hour with a few times but don’t really hang out too much outside of work. Then you have your “regular friends”. These are friends that are friends from school that you have kept in touch with or maybe some work friends that were upgraded to “regular friends” or maybe friends that you have met when you were married. You do see these friends on a regular basis and like to hang out with them. And then you have your close friends. These are the friends you count on for support when you are going through tough times. Friends that are first on the list to call when you need a favor. The friends that you go on vacations together with. I know…I know…what is my point, right? Well, you are sailing through life when all of the sudden, Bam! Divorced. Who do you turn too? When most couples get married they have their closest friends that they bring along but then some of your closet friends are people you have met together. So what are you supposed to do? This is what I mean by finding your true friends. Let me give you an example. I won’t give names in this exercise for obvious reasons but I think you will get the point. When I was first going through my divorce I could immediately tell something was different with some of my friends and how they were talking to me. There were several schools of thought on why we were getting divorced and most of them were not accurate. But once a main story starts to spread it becomes gospel. And the sad thing about that is, most of time the people that are telling those stories never actually heard it from the 2 people actually getting divorced! Of course it was my closest friends that actually called me to ask me what happened…but not all of them. Unfortunately for me, my four closest friends all live out of state now and did when I was going through my divorce as well. So I actually couldn’t sit down over a few drinks and tell them the story. However, a few of my other “close friends” did live close by and guess what. None of them called. Let me expand on that…they didn’t call me, they called her. And when 2 people are getting divorced and you only talk to one of them, guess whose side they are going to be on. Yep…shocker! That was so disappointing to lose some of who you thought were your closest friends and they didn’t even have respect enough to call you and find out your side. I have a few of them that I have never spoken to again nearly 10 years later. And these are people that I thought were some of my closest friends. I did have a few reach out to me after my father passed away, and I did appreciate that, but I think it was just too late. Maybe someday we will cross paths again and be able to start over but it is hard to see sometimes. I know I may be rambling a bit, but my point is that you are not alone when it comes to losing friends over your divorce. The question is, how will you let it affect you. It definitely hurt the first few years, I will not lie about that. But after a while you have to start moving on and not worry about what people think of you. You have to re-shuffle your deck of friends and find out who is still there. You will still have most of your work friends because, well, you might night have a choice. You will find out who are still your “regular friends” but you will still lose some. But there is no need to chase them down and beg for them to come back. You don’t need them anymore…trust me. And then, which is the point of this entire post, you will find out who your true friends really are. The ones that stick by you no matter what. Some will even stick by both of you. And if that happens don’t do what I see a lot of, and that is letting them slip away because you are not comfortable with them being friends with you both. Because those types of friends are hard to find. Find your true friends and let the other ones go. It will be a challenge at first, but once you have made that decision, you put the healing process on the fast track.

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